D*ck Appointments: STI & COVID Results Required

Written by Laniese Wallace

Illustrated by Prince Pretzl

Have you ever had someone send you their STI and COVID results that you were having sex with and thought: wow, is this the new f*cking normal? Perhaps it should be. These are the current thoughts of a single hypersexual woman that is unsure how to go about scheduling my next dick appointment!

Photo by Olya Kobruseva, source: Pexels

One lovely afternoon, I received a text message and I saw that there was an attachment. I opened the message, eager to see a picture of the fine piece of man I was currently having sex with. Then the shock came. The attachment was a picture, alright – STI results that were negative. Then, a second attachment. I had no idea what to expect. COVID results!

I was thinking I had for sure missed something, probably zoned out during a conversation about sharing these results. But that was not it. The simple notion of what protection once was had escalated just that fast. It is usually after sex that we have concerns of catching something. Now, before sex, we have to think about catching something unrelated to one’s genitals. 

Adjusting to life as we know it, moments like these really put things into perspective. Now, a condom may not be enough. Protection was already questionable pre-COVID, now we need more. Who would have thought protection meant wearing a mask while you tango all night? Masks all day and during dick appointments. That is asking for a lot. Latex is annoying! I want to feel you. Keep me moaning! Of course, before all of this, that was a risk one was willing to take.

Photo by Maksim Goncharenok, source: Pexels

Every six months I get tested as recommended, so I know that I am safe. Having a sexual partner that is on the same page and willing to get tested regularly is something to be thankful for. Asking seems like pulling at teeth, things get awkward, or most young people simply do not go until the itching or burning starts. With vaccinations underway and a negative COVID result proving it is safe to kiss you, perhaps the expectation of a negative STI result should become standard so that we know it is safe to have sex with others as well.

As young people trying to make it in this world, we have enough to worry about. Then your current partner sends you that and it takes you by surprise, but I guess in a good way. It is almost like: can I see your ID please? Aka your tests results. Catching anything is not the vibe these days. Trust and infection-free seem to be the hottest topics as we wade through 2021. The course of events this year has already taken many of us by surprise and the last thing we need is a surprise from our partner. Spare me a trip to the clinic please and thank you. Though we need all the positivity we can get, negatives across the board is the name of the game.

What we called “fun” – having sex with someone before COVID, living wild and free, sharing juices and saliva like no tomorrow – may become a distant memory. Or will this all die down and we can get back to it. Who knew 2020 would be the start of questioning what protection should be outside of a condom. If using one was even thought of before penetration. We all love a little raw action. Except it never occurred to me that an innocent hook up would be a possible risk of catching the Rona too. There are so many questions and concerns, where do we turn and how do we go about it? Once I work out all of the kinks, it is on and popping. Preference is what all of this has come to. A happy medium between safety from head to toe has to be achievable.

Photo by Deon Black, source: Pexels

STI testing and sharing those results, to each their own, but it seems we are facing a time where a negative COVID result is also necessary to put one at ease mentally. We are in a strange time where the lack of human touch is genuinely affecting some of us. Yearning to lay with someone, or on top of someone in this case, is a feeling most of us hypersexual beings may not have had to face head on before. Struggling between I need some dick today and have you been getting COVID tested regularly is a real thing. The question is: can we enjoy sex without wondering if we are going to get sick or catch some sh*t? Normalizing testing in all forms might alleviate some of the concerns ahead.

The Author

Laniese Wallace is an African American entrepreneur and creator of personal blog, “Snack on This”. She strives to challenge the ideas surrounding sexual wellness while having fun. Healthy is her lifestyle from the inside out and she loves sharing her knowledge about nutrition.

Edited by Stephanie Kleanthous

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