Written and illustrated by Rosalie Moloney
If you are in the mood to feel yourself this lockdown season, like, really feel yourself, then you’ve come to the right place.
With the closure of pubs and shops amidst Covid-19, there remains one industry that has been sensuously thriving: the sex toy industry.
With all this spare time on our hands we should learn a new skill, right? There’s baking, painting, gardening, and most importantly, masturbating. I’m sure everyone’s feeling a bit down in the dumps due to social distancing, trust me – I understand. So why not make yourself feel fabulous with a big old fashioned play.
Whether you are missing the touch of your significant other or a singleton no longer able to pull absolute tens to have mediocre sex, there’s something here for you all. It’s time to get creative during the longest dry spell of your life. We’re turning from dry to wet this lockdown.
If you’re strapped for cash or a beginner, then you can go old school and start off by using your hands. It’s the best way to get to know your vagina. After you’ve really managed to understand your body and what it likes then you can move on to the big boys.
We’ll start small. You can’t go wrong with a bit of clitoral stimulation now, can you? We all know the clitoris is the money maker (you heard it here first, boys). You’ll find the clitoral hood at the very top of your labia minora. Applying pressure with a small and simple pulsating toy will make you climax beautifully. And remember, don’t forget a bit of lube if you’re that dried up.
Starting on the petite side I would recommend:
A bullet vibrator – small and discrete. It’s a tad less daunting than a giant double ended dildo. They can even come disguised as lipsticks if you’re embarrassed of anybody seeing it (which you most definitely shouldn’t be). Regardless, these can be very powerful for their size. Most have a couple of different intensities to choose from.
Vibrating cock rings – for solo or couple play. These can be used whilst pleasuring yourself for maximum sensation in the base of the penis and testicles.
The Womanizer – combines deliciously gentle suction with pulsations to lavish your sensitive clitoral nerve endings. It’s a bit more on the expensive side but if you’re looking to splash some cash, she’s your gal. Lily Allen gave the product a shout out in her autobiography and she’s had sex with Liam Gallagher, it must be good.
The Finger Bullet – it is what it says on the tin. You slide it onto your finger like a small condom and you can play with yourself using your vibrating index.
The Love Egg – a cute product with ten patterns, six sensational speeds and it’s waterproof! This guy comes with a remote control and can also be linked to your phone so you can give your power to your partner or use solo.
Finally, for my personal favourite of the smaller bunch, a rabbit ears clitoral vibrator – it hits the spot very nicely as it is able to slide under the clitoral hood for maximum pleasure.
If you’re feeling something a bit more penetrative:
The Gyr8tor – a new product and whilst similar to the Womanizer in price, it is totally different. The Gyr8tor has more rhythm than a guitarist and it strums just as hard. It features up to three gyrating patterns and vibrations in the shaft of the toy. It is both easy to insert and smooth upon entry. It’s a bit on the noisier side but definitely worth it. Just make sure the rest of the house are in a deep, deep sleep.
Chakrubs – for the spiritualists about. These sex toys are made from natural crystals that bring a sense of sacredness to your playtime. The aim is to benefit from both peak sensuality and the healing properties crystals provide.
The Rabbit/Jessica Rabbit – a classic and a personal favourite with multiple speeds. The sensation of both penetration and clitoris play leave you gasping. If it could spoon you after climaxing and make a cuppa tea you’d have the perfect life partner.
The Magic Wand – wow, this is a big one. I am yet to venture down this road however I have only ever heard good things. The wand can be used for strokes, massaging or an extremely mind blowing climax. One user having informed me this toy ‘blows your fucking clit off’. Can’t ask for more really.
If you prefer anal play:
Butt plugs – they come in a range of shapes and sizes depending on experience. If this is new to you, start small and build your way up. This may seem daunting at first but slow and steady wins the race. You can use these along with other genital toys or on its own. There is also the option for vibrating butt plugs, these can be used to stimulate the male g-spot or as an extra vibrator (ensure to clean thoroughly if swapping between the two orifices).
Dildos – can be used both anally and vaginally. Inches vary depending on preference. With raised veins, a swollen head and enough lubricant this can feel very life-like. The suction cup to the base of the penis allows you to attach to a flat surface and slide on at full force.
I hope you’re nice and horny and ready to enjoy some me-time or hop online and purchase the rabbit you desire.
Rosalie completed her degree in social work in Manchester and now works as a senior mental health practitioner in Birmingham for a specialist psychosis service. She enjoys painting and digitizing the female form, you can view and buy her work here. She also runs a very honest and witty blog which can be found here.
Edited by Stephanie Kleanthous