Sex Toys: Four funny stories

Written by Stephanie Kleanthous

Illustrated by Beth Nicol

Hello friends, acquaintances, fans, and unfortunately, family. You may have clicked on this piece to snoop on my sex life but you’ll be sad to know that this isn’t about me. This is a collection of stories that have been shared with me so that I can share them with you. Stories related to: sex toys (if it wasn’t obvious).

As someone whose mum used to work as an area manager and party organiser for Ann Summers when I was 12-15, I grew up surrounded by big brown boxes full of toys and lingerie on my upstairs landing.

Buzzing bullets, t-shirts with slogans such as ‘last night a BJ saved my life’, pheromone-infused perfumes and big meetings we’d attend (so I wasn’t left home alone) where we’d raise our hands in the air to ‘shape them like a vagina’ and find the g-spot with our fingers are just a few memoirs of my childhood.

Swiftly moving on, lets see what our readers sent in. As they are all anonymous, I’ve decided to name each person after an Ann Summer’s product (an ode to my upbringing).

Silver Nipple and Clit Chain

“It’s my first year of university and I’m about to have a one night stand. I’m in a stunning setting: halls, with a single bed. The time is clearly perfect to try bondage tape. But due to the size of the bed, I fall off, unable to break my fall because I’m being seductively restrained. I face plant the grimey halls floor and come away with carpet burn instead of love bites.”

Pearl, the Ann Summers Rampant Rabbit G-Spot

“We had the plumbers in while I was home alone and they assured me not to worry about them going into my room. I popped out briefly. When I came back I could hear them laughing. They were in my room and had moved my bed and all of my stuff to the other side of the room. So of course, they found my vibrator which I keep under my pillow (easy access). The worst part was that once they’d put everything back it wasn’t in its usual spot. I’ve not had any previous experience asking plumbers where they’ve moved my vibrator so I had no clue what to do other than be without it. Rest assured, weeks later I eventually found it in a drawer. It was a happy reunion.”

Glass Jiggle Balls

“When I was 9 or 10, I was at my friend’s house playing hide and seek. She hid in the wardrobe in her parents bedroom. A few seconds later she screamed and came out – something was moving in there. It was a dry-cleaning bag full of sex toys. Dildo in hand, we were shouting, ‘what the hell is this?!’ Butt plugs, vibrators, lube… all sorts were found. We put it all away and didn’t say anything. That evening, after I’d gone home, her mum came round and apologised, explaining that they’d had an Ann Summers party a few months ago. My friend was apparently traumatised so her mum wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Pipedream Duo Climax-Her Vibrating Cock Sleeve

“Interior: my flat. Time: late. Mood: erotic. I was bringing back a first date guy, an American with the very sexy name Bennett. We were having champagne in the bath (a little bit strange for our first meeting, I’ll admit) when it occurred to us that we had a free house. This next part is definitely not my proudest moment and to my housemate reading this: I’m still very, very sorry. We took a vibrator, went into my housemate’s room and started on the foreplay. After some not so memorable moments, we then stumbled back in to my room to finish the deed. My reason for doing this? Maybe a weird rebellion against the joke “don’t have sex in my bed!” or, like a randy dog, I was weirdly marking my territory. In any case, he stayed over, we drank tea and watched ‘Codename Kids Next Door’. We decidedly left it at that. All’s well that ends well. Until said housemate finds the vibrator in her bed, acting as a bitter, buzzing reminder of my drunkard tinder rendezvous. Moral of the story? Try and be respectful of dear friends. Or at least do better in the clean-up, ya filthy animal. Merry x-mas one and all.”

We’ve sadly come to the end of our list but I hope you’ve been entertained and discovered some new, creative sex toy names. All jokes aside, never be ashamed of what you have hiding underneath your bed, in your bedside drawers or … under your pillow.