Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex is great. Sex is awkward. Sex is uncomfortable. Unfortunately, from my experience, nobody seems to have a fucking clue what they’re doing – apart from the occasional few that are absolute rockets in the bedroom and make you feel like you’re shagging the author of the Kama Sutra.
Illustration credits: Emily Nash
Having dabbled in a mighty few number of ponds, (your number of sexual partners cannot define you), I can say I have experienced both good, bad and mediocre sex. The good being an abundance of foreplay and numerous orgasms, the bad being penetrated for far too long, unenjoyable to the point where you start cramping up and have to stop. Pure joy.
As a result of this, I am able to grace you all with the DON’TS of intercourse. A guide for dummies if you will. Sex-ed was pretty minimal and I don’t think my curriculum would be accepted by Ofsted so I’ll just leave it here. It’s time to teach these amateurs what they’re really doing wrong because I am sick of suffering in silence, ladies. Multiple orgasms are just about the only thing us gals have the upper hand in so let’s utilize them. If this doesn’t pick up soon I think I may marry my vibrator, (www.lovehoney.com, where dreams are made).
Now, let’s begin. The DON’TS of dicking:
DON’T ask if I am on the pill whilst you’re already inside of me. Yes, the likelihood is I am, or another form of contraceptive but why are you asking me now? MOOD KILLER for one and if you’re that bothered about becoming a daddy (not mine ;p) then put a condom on for once.
DON’T use the pull out method as a form of contraception, either. I have three cousins that prove this does not work! Pre-cum gets me pregnant too, darling, it’s not just free lube.
DON’T push my head further down when I’m performing the act of fellatio. I know what I’m doing and I’m doing just fine. I don’t particularly want to gobble gobble you up like a Christmas turkey. Oh, and that gagging sound I’m making? It’s me struggling to breathe, not something I learned from porn that I thought might turn you on.
DON’T look me in the eye whilst your face is down in my nether region. It is not a good angle. Belly roll, back roll, double chin, awkward cum face, the lot. Keep your eyes on the prize.
DON’T repeatedly ask for anal after I say no. Some girls love it, some girls loathe it. A cheeky finger does me good; naughty but nice. Seriously, no more than a finger because I’m scared of prolapsing.
DON’T send me dick pics unannounced in the middle of the day, or ever really. I’m sick of pretending I’m into it. ‘Ooh yeah, baby, you’re so hard and big’, I type, totally mesmerised on my bus journey to work by a pigs in a blanket doppelgänger.
DON’T strangle me to the point of no return. We all love a bit of rough and tumble, a little throttle from time to time. Am I right, ladies? However, breathing is something I love a bit more.
DON’T treat my clitoris like a chew toy. Trust me, people do. I’m a sensitive flower!
DON’T take a Viagra without telling me and then wonder why I’m bored and fake needing a wee. I don’t want to be ploughed for hours. Thank you, next.
DON’T give me love bites where it’s visible. They’re embarrassing in the adult world and foundation doesn’t cover them up. I know all too well the feeling of having to wear a turtleneck to work on a hot summer’s day because someone wanted to leave their mark.
So there it is, my gift of a guide. From me, to you.
I hope you ladies can all relate and, if you can’t, fuck off and give me the contact details of a past lay please?
By Rosalie Moloney
Edited by Stephanie Kleanthous and Ruby Hinchliffe.